Date:	2005-08-18 23:15
Subject:	Lunch
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Dirty Little Secret-The All-American Rejects

I have lunch fucking fifth period. Most of my firends are off sixth period, so I'm pretty much stuck and alone. I'm glad I know John and caught up with him in the schedule change line today. Love his hair. Funfunfun. At least I'm not comepletely lost to all civilization. I have my gay junior and senior friends. Whee.

Date:	2005-07-31 01:03
Subject:	Wow
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

It's been forever since I've updated. Myspace sort of took over my life. But I'm back now. I'm sorry, Brad, about your dad, that sucks. I came out to my parents and they pretend that it never even happened. It sucks. Oh well. Just announcing that I'm still alive. Whee.

Date:	2005-04-17 10:20
Subject:	It is way to early for this
Security:	Public
Mood:	groggy
Music:	Sister is playing Nintendo. Blek.

I love how the first thing I hear out of my Dad's mouth in the morning is, "When you wake up a little bit more you need to help clean up your crap in the living room." How about 'good morning'? And every five seconds, you need to clean this, you need to clean that. And then he plays the guilt card. Mom had a bad day yesterday and she would really appreciate it if...yeah, you get the picture. And all of this is done with no caffiene present in the house. He knows how I feel about this. I want to go back to bed.

Date:	2005-03-19 22:40
Subject:	Kill me
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank

I hate parties. I hate them so much. I don't even know why I go; I always end up miserable. I'm miserable, my friends get frustrated and mad at me for not having fun with everyone else, and it makes me more miserable to know I'm irritating them. I hate parties. I had so much caffiene tonight. I came home overstimulated and I don't know what to do with myself. I can't stop crying and I don't know why. I should just never leave the house ever again.

Had teh typical Sunny/Celeste "What's-wrong-I-really-want-to-help-you-how-do-you-feel-are-you-sure-you're-okay-how-do-you-feel" etc. talk again. What's wrong? I don't know. What can I do to help you? Nothing. How do you feel? Nothing, I don't feel anything. Are you sure you're okay? I don't know. How do you feel? I don't know. What did I just say...

Having this talk always makes me feel empty. I have to retrain myself not to cry again. I didn't think I'd ever need to use that particular training again.

Dusto recommended me for C.P. Bio next year and I really don't want to take Bio. "It's a fun and interesting course. I think your a perfect fit for it." i.e. You suck, get out of my sight.Well, whatever. Two years ago I never even thought I'd live this long so I guess I ought to be thankful for that. As soon as Dad stops yelling all the time and getting mad at everything, and Mom stops being so hurt at everything Dad says or does and my sister stops stomping and screaming every time someone breathes in her general vicinity I might be able to go back to normal. I didn't want to go home from Zero's today. I don't want to be here. I want to be anywhere else. I feel ignored, isolated, and unimportant here. Not that that's much different than normal but just being in the house anymore seems to amplify it. I hate my room, nothing good comes out of me holing myself up in the basement, and there is nowhere I can go to be alone. I want to be by myelf. I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Date:	2005-02-25 17:10
Subject:	Midterms
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	(Stuck in head) So Lost-716

COURSE: LATIN 1 TEACHER: SOMMER, AMY

CURRENT GRADE IS B- DETAILED WRITTEN REPORT GIVEN TO STUDENT (my ass)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COURSE: US HISTORY 9 TEACHER: MICHEL, TOM

CURRENT GRADE IS C-

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COURSE: CP ALGEBRA 2 TEACHER: PADAVIC, JIM

CURRENT GRADE IS A-

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COURSE: *PHYS SCI H TEACHER: DUSTO, ETHAN

NEEDS TO COMPLETE MISSING ASSIGNHMENT NEEDS TO COMPLETE ASSIGNMENTS ON TIME
CURRENT GRADE IS F

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COURSE: BEG DEBATE TEACHER: ESSERMAN, SCOTT

CURRENT GRADE IS B-

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COUSE: ENGLISH 9 H TEACHER: FOSTER, JASON

CURRENT GRADE IS C+
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What can I say? I'm not entirly surprised. Wish I could see the grade report before Mom for once, that way I could guage a reaction before the breakdown. Breakdown hasn't happened yet; I'm waiting for it. If I don't update tomorrow it's becuase my parents have shot me.

Date:	2005-02-24 17:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	If I turn on music right now Dad'll prolly shoot me

It's just not a night in my household if someone isn't cussing someone else out. My parents were going to go out to dinner and I was looking forward to it so I could get away from them and the constant yelling, but no, Dad once again stuck his nose where it didn't belong and pissed that away. Now I'm stuck in the house with them all night. Dad's throwing things, slamming doors, and he says I get too violent when I'm mad. Mom's stomping, like she always does when she wants attention but isn't getting it. I want to get out of here so badly. I don't know why they all keep doing this but I can't stand much more of it.

Date:	2005-02-23 17:07
Subject:	Sigh
Security:	Public
Mood:	Chocolate fantasies
Music:	Joy Ride in Jive

There is not enough chocolate in the world. I need there to be more chocolate.

Date:	2005-02-18 22:45
Subject:	Woo Hoo
Security:	Public
Mood:	Mix=ecstatic+horny
Music:	"Lithium" Nirvana

Went to go see Constantine tonight w/Zero and his bro. Problem number one, the movie is rated R and I am a minor. This problem is usually easily solved by buying a ticket to another movie and heading into your desired theater. Problem number two, there was a security guard at the entrance to the theater. Damn. Patty-G suggested that he create a distraction while we slipped in. Not a good idea. This problem always backfires. So we thought about it for a while. Then I said, "Hey, why don't we just sneak in through the back exit to the theater." I smell criminal genius. So Pat opened up the exit door for us and let us into the theater. It was so easy we could have gone in without paying, really. Next time I propose we all split the cost of one ticket three ways and do that again. Immoral, yes, but whatever. I feel like such a steryotypical badass teenager right now, and I'm lovin' it. As much as I would like to take credit for it, I'm good at coming up with these ideas but I have very little courage/will to go through with it. That's where Zero comes in. Without his caution to the wind mentality I would have never really done it. There have been several times this year where he's done that for me.

Constantine was an absolutly awesome movie. I agree with Zero, I can't wait until Hot Topic merchandizes the Hell out of it so I can get a t-shirt. Want t-shirt now. Oh well. The angels in the movie were beyond cool with their dark, obscenely huge wingspans. Through the entire movie I was trying to figure out whether Gabriel was a man or a woman. Had the face and voice of a woman, but no boobies. Whaa??? Well, then Zero reminded me that angels are genderless. Silly me. I love the way they dipicted Lucifer in the movie. Usually Lucifer is charming and witty since, according to Christian theology, he is the epitome of temptation, but in Constantine he was this gross, disturbing old man. It was so cool. Can't get over excitment. This is a movie I would see over and over and over and over again until.....well probably until I'd memorized the entire movie. So yeah. Awesome night. Lovin' it.

Valete, amici.

Date:	2005-02-14 16:57
Subject:	I need a vacation
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejected
Music:	My sister won't turn of the fucking radio----want her to die

My perfectly good mood was destroyed within 45 seconds of walking into my house and talking with my mom. What does that say about how I've been feeling about my family? You know, there's nothing like having your Mom point out everything you've done wrong and throwing your entilre life back into your face to make you feel like a worthless freak. I can tell her anything my ass. It'll come back to bit me if I ever tell her anything. It always does.

So my family's driving me to tears, my friends are hurtful, insensitive, and for all practical purposes I may as well not even exist to them, my sister is driving me crazy because no matter how many times I gently remind her she always 'forgets' to plug in her headphones, my oldest friend only sees me as a way to score brownie points with Jesus, I'm gettin gstriaght Cs in a couple of my classes, and I fucking lost my glasses. Is it any wonder I've pulled my eyelashes out again?

Date:	2005-02-08 09:44
Subject:	Friends by Default
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic
Music:	None, I'm in school

I have a few friends now who are only FbD (Friends by Default). I knoew them before they were bible humping bitches or sadistic jerks. Guess what? Things change. Don't you just hate that. Due to my supreme nerdiness and the fact that I have no social skills whatsoever I am still 'friends' with these people. One of my friends, Cat, resident Bible humper, has decided to take it upon herself to make me into a Bible humper. I knew her before she was like that. Sure, she was always the quietest of the group, and she was always more reserved with what she would and wouldn't do, but we never thought she would turn out the way she did.

Adn then there's Krissy. Back in 3rd and 4th we were attached at the hip. It was great at the time but it impacted our friendship negativly in the long run. When we started to grow apart and have our differences she wouldn't accept that and tried to turn me into a clone of her. At the time, I kind of let her, and I really wish I hadn't. I lost a lot of my life trying to win the respect of that girl. When I had a major breakdown in 7th grade she didn't ccept that I wasn't feeling exactly the same way she was and she cursed me out and told me that she didn't believe a word I'd said and I was just trying to make excuses for not working hard, that I was just trying to get my way out of a tight situation. Our friendship has never quite been the same since. At the end of 7th grade I'd been seeing a counselor and I was feeling better. I wasn't as dark, I'd started wearing color again, I'd started sleeping; I was doing pretty good. Then Krissy's dog, Sable, got put down. We were having a blizzard party in band and I saw her crying. She explained to me what happened, and I asked if there was anything I could do to help. She told me that I could stop being such a bitch and leave her alone for a while and with that one statement she sent me back into a downward spiral. She singlehandedly destroyed my faith in humanity(good job); she was my only friend and I depended on her for at least a little comfort and understanding. That came back and bit me in the ass.

That's all said and done, and now Krissy's big brother drives me to school every morning. Krissy's there too, and we're on speaking terms and we're mostly okay. But she's still hurtful. She's grown into a mindset where she refuses to acknowledge other opinions, and that she is better than the rest of us. Not the girl I met 6 years ago. Yesterday in the car I went off on a tangent in the car because I have this fucking bad habit of thinking aloud, and she informed my friend, Zero, that I like to show off my knowledge of what little I do know about so as to make me seem smarter than I really am. It's moments like this when I hate this bitch. When the rest of my friends inform me that I'm a stupid jackass I take it with good humor, becuase that's how it's intended. When Krissy says something, she means it. And this is not her first barb this month about my inteligence, or lack thereof. (pardon my spelling). She honestly believes she is much above me and has the right to pass judgements like that about other people. I don't think the realizes just how hurtful her words can be to her friends.

Valete, amici

Date:	2005-01-21 22:26
Subject:	Best Day Ever
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	Homecoming-Green Day

The day started off with Zeronemi asking Ty how Dave was with his wood. I later found out that this was a type of guitar, but at the time I almost sprayed my milk out of my nose. Ty was, of course, oblivious and replied that he was "pretty good actually." He didn't get it until we explained it to him and then he called us pervs. The sheltered bastard. Few periods went by and Zero, Ty, and I were talking about my and Zero's expedition into the tunnel. S. and Ty asked what we did down there. Zero said 'exploring'. I added 'each other'. Was hilarious. Trust me. Okay, after school I met Zeronemi in the hall today just after the last bell rang and it all started going downhill from there. Went home, picked up $200 in hope of buying a digital camera (to no avail). Went to the mall, didn't buy anything at Hot Topic, no thongs or bras in my size, no cute shirts. Went to best buy, and the cameras are good but none under $200 have a rechargable lithium battery. Damn. Well, had fun anyway. We debated about going to the Hot Topic downtown, but decided against it. Well, M. called Zero and asked him to go to a mall a fucking long way away, and we all agreed. Suffice it to say this was a dumbfuck move on my part, not even calling my mom to ask if I could, but whatever. Went to a store called Spencers, had fun there. Then went to an arcade in the mall. Fun, but got really tired while playing some cheap knockoff of DDR. Then we left 'cuz the mall closed. Mom got pissed off at me when I told her where I was, and was mortified in car when I realized I could have used the 'lost track of time' excuse. Damn again. Whatever. This is where it starts to get fun. Zero, his bro, and I took some hilarious pictures of us in the car on the way back in all of which I looked stoned/evil. Woot. Got back to the Alberston's and went in, bought about $5 worth of cosmetics, most of which ended up sucking when I got home. Also got blue eyeliner instead of black. Oh well, will put some sort of seperation between me and Zero. Won't make it look like I'm trying to copy him. But anyway, we decided it would be fun if I went in line and bought some condoms. Holy fuck that was hilarious. We thought about me getting a pregnancy test and playing a practical joke on my mom, but save that for a rainy day. We went outside in the parking lot and took pictures of Zero and his bro 'fighting' and then we played with the condoms. Not like that you perv. I took one and it broke in two seconds. This does not bode well for my future, and if I ever decide I like guys enough to have sex with them I am so screwed. Anyway, we opened another one and I blew it up like a balloon and Zero took a picture. That has got to be the dirtiest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Then one of us grabbed one end of the condom and another grabbed the other end, and we streched it to see how far it would go. This one got like ten feet before slipping out of our hands. It didn't break. I stuffed the rest of my share of the condoms down my underpants and gave Zero the box (which we discovered had instructional pictures on it. Not good for high school freshman). I walked in, trashed the recipt and reported to Mom. The entire time I had several packs of condoms down my pants, and still do as I am writing this. Tried out the makeup, talked to Mom some more, still with the condoms sitting against my butt the entire time. She actually wasn't too mad at me for going to the mall, just upset I didn't ask first. We had a deep dicussion about makeup theory and application before she went to bed. We got the condoms that heat up when you use them. I want to test that. Oh also, when we bought the damn things Zero was standing right next to me in line the entire time. The look on the clerk's face was priceless. This will forever be a treasured memory. Best Fucking Day Ever. Though I might get it up the ass from my mom tomorrow in terms of dicipline. Oh well. Later

Valete, amici

Date:	2005-01-18 06:10
Subject:	New year going great---sort of
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Stacy's Mom-Fountains of Wayne

My New Years Resolution was to lose twenty lbs. Not surprising since there are probably about 5 girls in the entire country who don't have that resolution. I am probably friends with all five of them. Yes, I am the girliest out of all my girlfriends, which is especially scary since all of my guyfriends are trying to convince me I have a penis. Well, since the new year I've been to the gym twice and have lost two lbs. I will gain it all back once I go eat lunch at school because all they have that is non-toxic is pizza and pop. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be. So yeah, my New Years isn't off to a running start if you ask me. Why are people asked to make resolutions when drunk and stuffed anyway?

On another note, I put my pic up on Vampirefreaks.com on the sn NoCreativeImpulses and there's nothing like a crazy guy from Egypt calling you "soo cute and sexcii" to boost your self confidince, let me tell you. My god, people are insane. "Sexcii"? I'm just gonna quit wondering while I'm ahead. And I guess that's all that's happened with me since the forever ago that I posted.

Valete, amici.

so i get fucking mad, right? what's wrong with that. everyone gets mad, but no i'm mild mannered me and if i get mad then everyone has to dote over me and get all sorr and stuff. so what's wrong if i want to hit something? I go out into the garage where i'm guarenteed not to break anything, and i hit the wall a few times and mom goes berserk over it. some people can vent their anger by just crying it out or talking about it. i am not one of them. i need to hit somthing. that little bitch is just lucky i can't hit her. if my parents wouldn't get even more pissed off at me i'd put my fist through a fucking window.

Date:	2005-01-03 17:23
Subject:	Well....been neglecting this thing, surprise surprise
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	She's a Rebel--Green Day

Hello. It's been a while. Not that this comes as any shocker to me. Well I got an iPod for Christmas. *dances* But I didn't do my anual day of watching Pride and Prejudice. Sad. Oh well, I'm reading the book.
Again. I'm glad to be back in school, much as I loathe to say it. I can only take so many days of my friends asking me to do stuff. My sleep pattern is all disrupted now and I'm tired.

Well, I'll answer what nobody was thinking. Christmas with Dad's family was, as usual, a whole night where I learned stuff I never needed nor wanted to know. Such as what a "Prince Albert" is. My cousin Steve told me that my dad had one. (prince albert=cock peircing w/chain attaching to 1+ balls). Add that to the list of things that make you want to go "Blehhhh..." *disguted shudder*

New Year was fine. Spent it at Zeldamaster's house. Played Texas Holdem. funfunfun. I swear, no one ever heard of that game before the Celbrity show on that one network thing. I watched a few episoeds. It was one of the most boring things imaginable. I mean, watching people play poker ON TV. How pathetic is that? Well anyway, I guess that's it. My life is realitivly boring. I want some sleep and I want my regular sleep pattern back. >_<

Valete, amici.

Date:	2004-12-06 19:58
Subject:	I fucking hate the world
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	"The World is Black" Good Charlotte

There are three things I absolutly hate in this world. Ketchup. Christmas music. And playing the piano in front of other people. My dad knows I hate it when he comes into the room when I'm playing. He does it anyway, no matter how many times I tell him. Just like no matter how many times I tell him not to he still relentlessly pokes me in the ribs and yells at me if I even hug my sister. Oh, and whenever I walk past his office he stops me and asks me the same question over and over and over. I hate that too. I'm trying to fucking go somewhere and he stalls me five minutes, no matter what I'm doing because he can't leave me alone. Often times by the time I'm done fending off his questions I've forgotten what I was supposed to do in the first place. So when I'm forced to play Christmas music, which I hate, on the piano, and he comes into the room to listen to me, which I hate and he knows it, and then forces me to play more Christmas music(which I also suck at) when I'd rather play something I'm more comfortable with, I get pissed. Okay. So I'm pissed. I just want to play my own fucking music in the dark by myself. He knows this and so he comes into the room and turns on all the lights and listens to me. I hate it and I feel like drowning a kitten.

Valete, amici.

Date:	2004-12-04 18:18
Subject:	I really hate my family right now
Security:	Public
Mood:	miserable
Music:	Blue from Cowboy Bebop

We're the type of family when you see in a resteraunt you feel sorry for. We're obviously miserable and can't wait for the check to come so we can get out of each other's company as soon as possible. Every attempt my sister or I made at conversation was answered by a short, annoied, one word answer from Mom and a growl from Dad. I wonder why they even brought us out in the first place if both of them were so miserable. They couldn't even prtend we were a normal, sensible family while in public. I am currently sad and humiliated. I hate my family right now and they're forcing me to go shoe shopping tomorrow with them. The last place I want to be is anywhere near them. I just want to be left alone since obviously they don't want to be with me. If it weren't cold enough in here for me to be afraid of my tears freezing on my face, I'd cry.

Valete, amici.

Date:	2004-11-23 13:44
Subject:	Don't have much time
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	None, I'm in school

I don't have much time for this entry. I didn't do my History homework last night like I was supposed to, so forgive my spelling and grammar. I was too busy lamenting over the failure that was our dinner. Still befuddled as to why Mom would even think of leaveing me and Dad on our own. Must ponder this some more. Well, Dad was fine with the dinner. He'll eat pretty much anything provided it doesn't have peach or mango in it.

I did well on the Latin test. I know I did, but I got one word wrong for sure. Tanem, I think was the word. I means however, or something like that. I got it confused with the word tandem, which means at last or finally. Blegh. I guess that's not that bad. I get the rest of the week off *hums and does happy dance.* Lalalala. Get my ugly mousy brown hair dyed tomorrow. Happy. But I can't hang out with friend S. becuase I'm too busy. He's mad at me, he wanted to go joint Christmas shopping so we could split the cost and not completely drain our bank accounts on gifts. Oh well. Later, I guess.

If I don't sound coherent, don't mind me. I'm tired, up all night last night perfecting a Photoshop masterpiece, and no caffiene this morning. Not a good combo. Ah, there's the bell. Gotta run.

Valete, amici.

Date:	2004-11-22 17:51
Subject:	I've very longwinded today...
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Aint Misbehaving--Fats Waller (old jazz dude)

I generally believe my mom to be an intelligent and trustworthy woman. Sometimes, though, I think she really pushes it. Like tonight. She left me and Dad together to try and cook dinner. While nothing has gone wrong yet, I find it amazing that I haven't been burned or cut yet. Oh, one thing did go wrong. If there's one thing I know about cooking rice is that when you've put it into boiling water you let it sit and you DO NOT lift the lid or stir the rice. My dad just lifted the lid and stirred the rice. Doing this makes the rice unusually clumpy and sticky. Eat up! I'm going to have an ulcer from stress and anxiety by the time I hit twenty; I worry about things too much.

Well, I guess I can't say anything went too terribly wrong. I still think Mom should have her head checked out, though.

Valete, amici.

EDIT: Okay, upon eating the rice Dad and I realized something was wrong. We'd forgotten to put the seasoning into the rice. No wonder it was so bland. This is why I say Mom is crazy to leave us fending for ourselves. Next time I opt we stop by some chain burrito place like Chipolte or Baja Fresh. It's safer that way. I wonder if bad cooking is genetic?

Valete, amici.

Date:	2004-11-22 16:57
Subject:	Once again bored...
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted
Music:	Simple and Clean--Opeining song in Kingdom Hearts

This is what happens when I don't know what else to do. I go on a trip to quizilla. Poor you. Well, I had fun doing it.


You are the Demon- You have the authority to do
whatever you want. You have total power and the
skills to destroy the entire world and have a
blast doing it. You listento no one and follow
your own rules,well sometimes.


What anime girl resides in you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Your element is Shadow: Indifferent, unusual,
gentle and a complete mystery. No one tends to
know quite what to think of you because you
camouflage your emotions so incredibly well,
almost as well as your thoughts. You are
unpredictable in that no one knows exactly what
your going to do or what your capable of and
you've made sure they never will. You are quite
the wallflower but deep down inside is a kind
and very intelligent person. You are capable of
love but unless you let some light into your
shadowed life you'll have a hard time with your
relationships. People are a mystery only
because they all seem too superficial, you
would rather be somewhere else, away from all
the noise perhaps putting your feelings into a
form of art, maybe writing your feelings into a
poem or journal, or perhaps painting a picture.
The shadows make you feel comfortable and you
don't like to step outside your comfort zone or
let anyone else in, the spotlight terrifies
you. You are truly a mystery.


.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a mean angle you pick on everyone you are
not very liked but you are feared so yup! And
you can be nice when you want to be!


What Kind of Angle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

And after I did this one the quizilla server went down. Oh well. And I don't think I pick on people that much. Huh, I only kid with my friends. I guess you really can't use internet quizzes to psychoanalyze yourself.

Valete, amici.